Spaceships, Butts, and Some Not-So-Great Things

Old Li had been looking at the starry sky above his head for nine months. To be precise, he had been floating and looking at it for nine months. This was no romantic affair, it was like being locked in solitary confinement with only a toilet and compressed biscuits. The only difference was that outside this confinement was a vacuum, and some coldly gleaming stars.

The whole thing was just damn frustrating. Old Li, a seasoned astronaut, was supposed to return to Earth three months ago, hug his grandson he'd never met, drink a little wine, and brag about how the farts he released in space changed the course of human history. But now, he could only listen to those bureaucrats on Earth bickering through a dilapidated communicator.

"Comrade Li, you must trust the organization, the organization is actively rescuing you!" A greasy voice came from the communicator, and Old Li could imagine the insincere smile squeezed out on that fat face.

"Rescuing? Then fucking hurry up! My ass is about to rot on this damn chair!" Old Li couldn't help but curse. He felt that his butt had already fused with the seat, becoming a whole new life form, an existence between organic and inorganic matter.

It all started with that damn Soyuz spacecraft. Everything was going smoothly at first. Old Li completed his mission and was preparing to return. As a result, the spacecraft's return module had a problem, like an old man who had been constipated for ten years, unable to push it out no matter what. So, Old Li was trapped in this small space, becoming a veritable "space nail household."

At first, people on Earth were quite concerned about Old Li. After all, this was the first time in human history that an astronaut had been stranded in space for so long. Major media outlets rushed to report, experts offered advice, and some even launched a crowdfunding campaign to "Save Old Li."

But as time went on, people's enthusiasm faded. After all, these days, no news stays hot for more than three days. Star scandals, influencer feuds – these trivial matters are more eye-catching than the life or death of an astronaut.

Old Li's situation was getting worse. Food and water were running out, and the oxygen was getting thinner. He started to hallucinate, seeing his wife and children waving to him outside the space station.

"Damn, am I going to die here just like this?" Old Li thought desperately. He began to miss everything on Earth, even the noise, pollution, and crowds that annoyed him.

Just when Old Li was about to give up, things suddenly took a turn.

NASA announced that their new spacecraft, "Star," was about to launch and could pick up Old Li along the way.

The news caused a global sensation. People praised the Americans' "humanitarian spirit" and condemned the Russians' "irresponsibility."

Old Li also saw hope. He started exercising every day to prepare for his return to Earth. He even practiced smiling in the mirror, fearing that he would smile too ugly and scare those who came to pick him up.

However, things weren't that simple. On the eve of "Star's" launch, NASA suddenly announced that, due to technical reasons, they could not guarantee Old Li's safety.

"Technical reasons? To hell with technical reasons!" Old Li cursed in his heart. He understood that this was just a game between politicians.

Just then, an even more absurd piece of news came.

It turned out that NASA experts had discovered that Old Li's butt, due to prolonged exposure to weightlessness, had undergone some "irreversible" changes. These changes could have "unpredictable" effects on Earth's ecosystem.

Suddenly, Old Li's butt became the focus of the world's attention. Scientists debated endlessly, the media hyped it up, and some people even printed pictures of Old Li's butt on T-shirts.

Old Li completely broke down. He felt like a monkey in a zoo, being watched, discussed, and ridiculed. He wanted to die, but he couldn't.

"Death is inevitable either way, but what is this? I've become the laughingstock of the entire world, all within this tiny space!" Old Li howled at the empty universe, but his voice was swallowed by the vacuum, not a single sound escaping. He finally understood that those twinkling stars were actually cold, indifferent eyes, watching the absurdity and ridiculousness of humanity.

What happened to Old Li in the end? Nobody knows. Maybe he's still floating in that broken spaceship, his butt facing Earth, becoming a permanent "artificial satellite." Maybe he's been captured by aliens and become some kind of experimental subject. Or maybe, he's already become cosmic dust, merging with the stars.

Who knows? Anyway, in this messed-up world, anything can happen.